Please Don’t Be Sad, Sam Neill

This article was originally published on Ferretbrain. I’ve backdated it to its original Ferretbrain publication date but it may have been edited and amended since its original appearance.

If there’s one thing which the horror career of Sam Neill has regularly taught us, it’s that the man just isn’t equipped to deal with divorce, bereavement, and other relationship setbacks. It seems that whenever one of his fictional marriages unravel, things run out of control, he can’t keep hold of his emotions, people end up dying and the gates of hell get busted wide open.

Well, I’ve learned a few things myself in my time about the rusty, blood-soaked bear traps that litter the path of romance. The bad news is that you can never fully comprehend and encompass the sheer complexity of the human heart, which means that you can never truly know whether your partner’s love is genuinely enduring or whether it will vanish forever tomorrow, like a pattern in a kaleidoscope that vanishes after a turn. The good news is that you can never fully comprehend and encompass the sheer complexity of the human heart, which means that you should never underestimate your capability to heal and recover from a traumatic breakup. (The other bad news is that the hacksaw is only strong enough to cut through your flesh and bone, but not the aforementioned bear traps themselves. I don’t know where you go to buy hacksaws of that Very Specific Level of Strength, but frankly I think just offering them for sale is giving people ideas.)

I feel bad for Neill, and for everyone else struggling with these issues, so in reviewing these movies I decided to see what useful tips for divorcees I can tease out from their stories. As it turns out, the answer is “a lot” – Sam Neill is really awful at dealing with the end of relationships.

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One of These Evils Is Not Like the Others

This article was originally published on Ferretbrain. I’ve backdated it to its original Ferretbrain publication date but it may have been edited and amended since its original appearance.

So, the Resident Evil movies. They can’t be any good, can they? I mean, look at the source material. The plots don’t make sense. The cast of characters consists of a large number of interchangable people with guns and a smug guy called Wesker. The standards of acting established in the games are uninspiring to say the least.

Surely the Hollywood versions are going to be shit?

That’s what I thought as I delved into this boxed set of the first three films in the series. One of the films was exactly as shit as I thought it would be. One of them surprised me by being actually pretty good. And the first one surprised me by being even worse than I was expecting…

Continue reading “One of These Evils Is Not Like the Others”